but today was worse. i hope tomorrow is better.
what was i talking about before? oh yeah, invasive species.
i was watching this tv show about them the other day. somewhere along the gulf coast these fish are taking over. they’re from japan or something and they’re taking over entire rivers—or, at least, significant stretches of them—killing off all the native fishes and harming the ecosystem. or that’s what tv wants me to believe. conflict. i mean, they go as far as interviewing some guy with the nature conservatory saying he’d wipe out this invasive fish. it would help i could remember the name of the fish. but i do remember that it was a transport from asia. and i think tv was trying to reinforce this point. it’s somehow being tied to maybe immigration or globalization or terrorism.
think about it like this: it represents a threat to boundaries; instead of a threat to national or cultural boundaries, invasive species are a threat to an existing eco-system. invasive species threaten our way of life.
but why would i expect tv to handle its image of environmentalism any differently than its image of terrorism? it’s all flash and hype.
there’s where you have a problem with it: you like the nature conservatory. i mean, i like the nature conservatory’s bird sanctuary out by the great salt lake. and they hated invasive species too. this time it was some kind of willow that was taking over large parts of the marshland. last time i was there, they were doing controlled burns to fight it. (again, i don’t know the name of the species.)
i’m getting off course. again. what are you trying to say? i’ve got to come back to this later.
chapter 83: space moments
sunday.
and every sunday.
it’s broken up that way. everything begins and ends. and repeats. and begins and ends.
i keep thinking like, what if this is the week? no, better yet: what if i make this the week? the week that i . . . figure it out? give up? realize that it didn’t matter the whole time?
no, listen: there are all these things you do to survive, things you have to do to not get crushed by it. and you’re not good at a lot of those. that’s what you have to figure out.
and every sunday.
it’s broken up that way. everything begins and ends. and repeats. and begins and ends.
i keep thinking like, what if this is the week? no, better yet: what if i make this the week? the week that i . . . figure it out? give up? realize that it didn’t matter the whole time?
no, listen: there are all these things you do to survive, things you have to do to not get crushed by it. and you’re not good at a lot of those. that’s what you have to figure out.
chapter 82: they're selling our hope
i just got off the phone.
man, i had this joke about biodiversity and free-will i was going to write but i cant figure out the punch-line. somehow footnotes were involved. i think one of my footnotes was going to say that i had to do something on purpose and then have another footnote saying that i meant purpose in two different ways and that that was supposed to be a joke.
but that joke is in the past; it’s lost like a tear in a rainstorm.
back to bio-diversity and free-will. or, let’s just talk-about bio-diversity.
ok.
how concerned should i be about invasive species? do i have a moral obligation to preserve as much bio-diversity as humanly possible? let me rephrase that: how can invasive species be unnatural? and maybe more importantly, how can anything that happens be unnatural? or let me rephrase that: how can natural/unnatural be distinction between anything that happens?
i don’t think you’re making any sense and these footnotes aren’t going to help
man, i had this joke about biodiversity and free-will i was going to write but i cant figure out the punch-line. somehow footnotes were involved. i think one of my footnotes was going to say that i had to do something on purpose and then have another footnote saying that i meant purpose in two different ways and that that was supposed to be a joke.
but that joke is in the past; it’s lost like a tear in a rainstorm.
back to bio-diversity and free-will. or, let’s just talk-about bio-diversity.
ok.
how concerned should i be about invasive species? do i have a moral obligation to preserve as much bio-diversity as humanly possible? let me rephrase that: how can invasive species be unnatural? and maybe more importantly, how can anything that happens be unnatural? or let me rephrase that: how can natural/unnatural be distinction between anything that happens?
i don’t think you’re making any sense and these footnotes aren’t going to help
chapter 81: i hate science; no, you love it
another coma
what do you do when you’re obsessed with an idea, when it overtakes you, when it infects you, when you lose the distinction between the idea and yourself, and then when the idea (or is it you?) needs to speak, to speak itself, or possibly use you, whatever tiny idea you have left of yourself as an i, as a self, as it’s vehicle to infect others but finds your tools of expression so inadequate, so lacking in the ability to send out a copy of itself to another brain, another information processor, who will then have to make a copy of that copy that still bears enough resemblance to the original that it can infect another host, and you, that little idea of you that’s left, that’s watching this whole thing go down, what do you do? speak in fragments.
that’s too dramatic.
already i’ve missed my point. which is about the reduction of all things.
so we all know god is dead. but what does that really mean?
god as we knew it. think bigger. i mean smaller. god as i knew it. god as i understood it. the god i ordered my understanding of the universe around. simpler: the world, myself and my relationship to the world .
so i meant, i know that god died, but what does that really mean for me, the universe and my relationship to the universe.
but is he dead? don’t use he. is god dead? god is the name i use for nothing. god is the name i use for THE GREAT IMPROBABILITY. because if god’s not dead, it’s talking to me in code. seek and ye shall find, that kind of shit. but it takes some serious seeking. and none of it makes any sense, but still THE GREAT IMPROBABILITY remains.
but still, man. this is just an act too. you know, all the world is a stage and shit like that. this is the role you play.
then this is the role i play. i might be embarrassed about the part, but it’s the only one i could get.
what do you do when you’re obsessed with an idea, when it overtakes you, when it infects you, when you lose the distinction between the idea and yourself, and then when the idea (or is it you?) needs to speak, to speak itself, or possibly use you, whatever tiny idea you have left of yourself as an i, as a self, as it’s vehicle to infect others but finds your tools of expression so inadequate, so lacking in the ability to send out a copy of itself to another brain, another information processor, who will then have to make a copy of that copy that still bears enough resemblance to the original that it can infect another host, and you, that little idea of you that’s left, that’s watching this whole thing go down, what do you do? speak in fragments.
that’s too dramatic.
already i’ve missed my point. which is about the reduction of all things.
so we all know god is dead. but what does that really mean?
god as we knew it. think bigger. i mean smaller. god as i knew it. god as i understood it. the god i ordered my understanding of the universe around. simpler: the world, myself and my relationship to the world .
so i meant, i know that god died, but what does that really mean for me, the universe and my relationship to the universe.
but is he dead? don’t use he. is god dead? god is the name i use for nothing. god is the name i use for THE GREAT IMPROBABILITY. because if god’s not dead, it’s talking to me in code. seek and ye shall find, that kind of shit. but it takes some serious seeking. and none of it makes any sense, but still THE GREAT IMPROBABILITY remains.
but still, man. this is just an act too. you know, all the world is a stage and shit like that. this is the role you play.
then this is the role i play. i might be embarrassed about the part, but it’s the only one i could get.
chapter 26: whatever is the case
man, p____ rocked the shit last night.
so it doesnt matter how much p___ lied because b____ was there too -- all that bullshit about holding hearings before the iraq war and saying we wouldnt be greeted as liberators and how it would last a decade. b____ bears as much responsibility for the iraq war as anyone. i mean, he blocked scott r____ -- former weapons inspector for the un who was in iraq until c___ pulled them out so he could bomb the shit out of baghdad because he needed a distraction -- from testifying in the senate hearings leading up to the vote to use force.
but the main reason i think p___ won the debate is their (p___'s and b____'s) different ideas of their roles as vp.
b___ is deferential -- o___ this, o____that, i'd just support whatever he does.
p___, on the other hand, is the one running.
that reminds me, i think her disastrous interviews work out in her favor. i mean, she spends half her time talking about the liberal elite media and how they hate real working-class americans and then the same things is repeated on talk radio and then they turn on the tv and see everyone making fun of p___, isnt she getting her point across? and then she sets the bar so low for this debate, she can come in and make b___ look uncomfortable and defensive.
and why did b___ name-drop home d___?
and isn't it weird how b___ always calls o___ by only his first name?
that's some clarence t____/orrin h____ shit.
so it doesnt matter how much p___ lied because b____ was there too -- all that bullshit about holding hearings before the iraq war and saying we wouldnt be greeted as liberators and how it would last a decade. b____ bears as much responsibility for the iraq war as anyone. i mean, he blocked scott r____ -- former weapons inspector for the un who was in iraq until c___ pulled them out so he could bomb the shit out of baghdad because he needed a distraction -- from testifying in the senate hearings leading up to the vote to use force.
but the main reason i think p___ won the debate is their (p___'s and b____'s) different ideas of their roles as vp.
b___ is deferential -- o___ this, o____that, i'd just support whatever he does.
p___, on the other hand, is the one running.
that reminds me, i think her disastrous interviews work out in her favor. i mean, she spends half her time talking about the liberal elite media and how they hate real working-class americans and then the same things is repeated on talk radio and then they turn on the tv and see everyone making fun of p___, isnt she getting her point across? and then she sets the bar so low for this debate, she can come in and make b___ look uncomfortable and defensive.
and why did b___ name-drop home d___?
and isn't it weird how b___ always calls o___ by only his first name?
that's some clarence t____/orrin h____ shit.
chapter 25: you left yourself this note
your favorite movie is bill and teds
your favorite is girls like that by half japanese
you may be interested in a band called mock turtle or turtles or something
but you'd half to download it from ------
but listen to the name of their song:
thank you for sending me an eno
and there is no information on the internet about them
so this is probably a sign
today is oct 1 2008
you watched sweet bird of youth
you liked it
especially all the titles with the birds
and the news real about the boss finley
and the stuff about tv
you feel strange today
your favorite is girls like that by half japanese
you may be interested in a band called mock turtle or turtles or something
but you'd half to download it from ------
but listen to the name of their song:
thank you for sending me an eno
and there is no information on the internet about them
so this is probably a sign
today is oct 1 2008
you watched sweet bird of youth
you liked it
especially all the titles with the birds
and the news real about the boss finley
and the stuff about tv
you feel strange today
chapter 8: falling 2
i mentioned, in chapter 1, that i suffer from seasonal depression. or rather, i diagnosed myself with seasonal depression as a way to explain just how terrible i feltall winter. the great thing about seasonal depression is that the cure is so simple: wait for the weather to get better.
now it's june. the weather is better but i still feel terrible. i need to adjust my diagnoses. i'll have to look online at the symptoms of different physiological disorders and figure out which one best applies to me. i'm not sure why this is important. important to me. maybe it'll help my relationships. like when my friends, family and co-workers are like, "what's you're problem?" i can answer, "i suffer from this disorder which is why i'm so aloof and dont like to leave my house." wait. i want to workshop this.
--what's your problem? why do you always seem down? why dont you ever want to go anywhere or do anything?
--because i suffer from [whatever disorder i decide best matches my own conception of my symptoms which are obviously exaggerated].
--oh. did a doctor diagnose you with that?
--do i count as a doctor?
--do you have a phd?
--no.
--then no, you dont count as a doctor.
--but dont you think phds are bullshit.
--no. why would i think that?
--because medical schools are bullshit.
--but dont you think that doctors know a little more than you do about health and how the body works and how to help medical problems?
--i think they're more like salespeople for pharmaceutical companies.
this isn't going to work. i'm just going to sound like a paranoid hypochondriac. i guess i'll just say i have a cold.
now it's june. the weather is better but i still feel terrible. i need to adjust my diagnoses. i'll have to look online at the symptoms of different physiological disorders and figure out which one best applies to me. i'm not sure why this is important. important to me. maybe it'll help my relationships. like when my friends, family and co-workers are like, "what's you're problem?" i can answer, "i suffer from this disorder which is why i'm so aloof and dont like to leave my house." wait. i want to workshop this.
--what's your problem? why do you always seem down? why dont you ever want to go anywhere or do anything?
--because i suffer from [whatever disorder i decide best matches my own conception of my symptoms which are obviously exaggerated].
--oh. did a doctor diagnose you with that?
--do i count as a doctor?
--do you have a phd?
--no.
--then no, you dont count as a doctor.
--but dont you think phds are bullshit.
--no. why would i think that?
--because medical schools are bullshit.
--but dont you think that doctors know a little more than you do about health and how the body works and how to help medical problems?
--i think they're more like salespeople for pharmaceutical companies.
this isn't going to work. i'm just going to sound like a paranoid hypochondriac. i guess i'll just say i have a cold.
chapter 7: falling
a cold day
just like every other day
because i live on earth
the whole fucking planet is covered in ice
a million miles away from the sun
just like every other day
because i live on earth
the whole fucking planet is covered in ice
a million miles away from the sun
chapter 5: this one time a car crashed right in our front yard
i just woke up from a coma. i can't remember anything that's happened in the last two months.
there are these microorganism called water bears or something. they look like this:
scary, i guess. keep in mind that they're so small you need a microscope to see such details. anyway, they have an interesting ability: they can slow down their metabolism to practically zero and survive for like hundreds of years in this state without any water. the days, years, decades, centuries or whatever they spend in this kind of hibernation state doesn't count against their life expectancy. so if their life expectancy is like fifty years (i dont remember what their life expectancy actually is) they can live their first 29 years then go into their suspended animation state for 500 years and wake up in the future and they still have 21 years left to live. does that make sense? in other words, they pretty much aren't alive during their hibernation but as soon as they run into to water, they continue their pre-hibernation life like nothing has happened. and they do look kind of like bears what with their claws.
my earliest memory is getting hit by a car. i was three and big-wheeling my way over to my friend's house. he lived three houses away meaning i had to clear two driveways before reaching my destination. i cleared the first driveway no problem. but i got hit by a car backing out of the second driveway. that was the day princess diana married prince charles.
there are these microorganism called water bears or something. they look like this:
scary, i guess. keep in mind that they're so small you need a microscope to see such details. anyway, they have an interesting ability: they can slow down their metabolism to practically zero and survive for like hundreds of years in this state without any water. the days, years, decades, centuries or whatever they spend in this kind of hibernation state doesn't count against their life expectancy. so if their life expectancy is like fifty years (i dont remember what their life expectancy actually is) they can live their first 29 years then go into their suspended animation state for 500 years and wake up in the future and they still have 21 years left to live. does that make sense? in other words, they pretty much aren't alive during their hibernation but as soon as they run into to water, they continue their pre-hibernation life like nothing has happened. and they do look kind of like bears what with their claws.
my earliest memory is getting hit by a car. i was three and big-wheeling my way over to my friend's house. he lived three houses away meaning i had to clear two driveways before reaching my destination. i cleared the first driveway no problem. but i got hit by a car backing out of the second driveway. that was the day princess diana married prince charles.
chapter 4: that's what i heard
i ordered a sandwich:
"do you want that with avocado?"
"that's ok." i do like avocado, but i'm not paying extra for it.
"are you sure? it can be on me."
"well, ok then."
"let me explain my situation. i'm form california and live for avocados. they make every sandwich a dream come true."
"thanks for the free avocado."
"do you want that with avocado?"
"that's ok." i do like avocado, but i'm not paying extra for it.
"are you sure? it can be on me."
"well, ok then."
"let me explain my situation. i'm form california and live for avocados. they make every sandwich a dream come true."
"thanks for the free avocado."
chapter 3: so you don't go so far that the legitimate rights on some legislation are, are, you know, impinged on
some of you may have noticed that i changed the mis-spelling in the title of the previous chapter. i know some feel that i should have left it. maybe as an indictment of my bad spelling (and an indication of my distractedness), but i'd spell every word wrong if it wasn't for spell check. maybe it works well as a joke, but who would get it? but whatever. i reserve the right to change whatever i like on this blog. when i say right i actually don't mean anything since i think i've stopped believing in anything, including rights. but i'm just starting to think my way through the implications. i mean, what relation do rights have to authority? if all authority is constructed authority, where does that leave our rights? where do our rights come from?
i don't know.
i don't know.
chapter 2: floating seemed appropriate for a marriage proposal
blog
blog
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blogs
blogging
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maybe it's like when you imagine what a large(r) city in the west looks like if you were laying on your side: you have all these suburbs surrounding the city center surrounding the couple skyscrapers downtown.
have you ever been to salt lake city? i have. i live in salt lake city. anyway, i remember hearing someone say -- maybe a college professor or a book -- you can tell a lot about a city from it's skyline. salt lake: you've got the capital on a hill all lighted it up form all the lights (idealized), the temple out lighting the capitol (idealized), the lds church office building dwarfing the temple (ubiquitous) and a couple of corporate buildings accenting the church office building (get it?). i can't even remember the skylines of other cities i've been to and/or lived in. i guess i could look them up online.
blog
blog
blog
blogs
blogging
blogs
blog
blog
blog
blog
maybe it's like when you imagine what a large(r) city in the west looks like if you were laying on your side: you have all these suburbs surrounding the city center surrounding the couple skyscrapers downtown.
have you ever been to salt lake city? i have. i live in salt lake city. anyway, i remember hearing someone say -- maybe a college professor or a book -- you can tell a lot about a city from it's skyline. salt lake: you've got the capital on a hill all lighted it up form all the lights (idealized), the temple out lighting the capitol (idealized), the lds church office building dwarfing the temple (ubiquitous) and a couple of corporate buildings accenting the church office building (get it?). i can't even remember the skylines of other cities i've been to and/or lived in. i guess i could look them up online.
chapter 1: sorry i'm late, some bikers tried to steal my jacket
how do you start a book in the middle of a snow storm? write about the snow storm?
it's a whiteout. is that what you call a blizzard? i was under the impression that a whiteout had something to do with cocaine. i try sniffing a snowflake. it's cold and wet. it doesn't get me high.
it's been snowing non-stop for months. that's not true. i'm prone to exaggeration when it's this cold and snowy. but it has been a miserable winter. i say that about every winter and i mean it when i say it every winter, but this winter is the worst. or feels like the worst. probably because i'm in the middle of it.
my name is brian. i suffer from seasonal affective depression. or disorder. i don't know. i'm self-diagnosed. i self-diagnose myself with all sorts of disorders because it's the only medical attention i can afford. i'm uninsured.
i wake up every morning and it's dark. i walk to the bus stop and it's still dark. i get out of work and it's dark again. i walk home in the dark. i forgot to mention that's it's cold. it's cold. so cold and i refuse to buy a winter coat. i actually don't refuse, it's a combination of not wanting to do anything in the winter and never finding a coat that i don't think looks stupid. so i just layer: a sweatshirt, a hooded sweatshirt and a jacket. it works ok, but i look like an idiot taking off or putting on all these layers. i'd probably look like a bigger idiot if i had some ugly-ass winter coat.
it's a whiteout. is that what you call a blizzard? i was under the impression that a whiteout had something to do with cocaine. i try sniffing a snowflake. it's cold and wet. it doesn't get me high.
it's been snowing non-stop for months. that's not true. i'm prone to exaggeration when it's this cold and snowy. but it has been a miserable winter. i say that about every winter and i mean it when i say it every winter, but this winter is the worst. or feels like the worst. probably because i'm in the middle of it.
my name is brian. i suffer from seasonal affective depression. or disorder. i don't know. i'm self-diagnosed. i self-diagnose myself with all sorts of disorders because it's the only medical attention i can afford. i'm uninsured.
i wake up every morning and it's dark. i walk to the bus stop and it's still dark. i get out of work and it's dark again. i walk home in the dark. i forgot to mention that's it's cold. it's cold. so cold and i refuse to buy a winter coat. i actually don't refuse, it's a combination of not wanting to do anything in the winter and never finding a coat that i don't think looks stupid. so i just layer: a sweatshirt, a hooded sweatshirt and a jacket. it works ok, but i look like an idiot taking off or putting on all these layers. i'd probably look like a bigger idiot if i had some ugly-ass winter coat.
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